Wrecked

I loved Kenya and I want to go back some day. Cambodia affected me in a much different way. The country reached down in my soul and stirred up a lot of questions and misgivings about America, or more specifically Atlanta. I just don’t want to be here. I don’t know where I want to be anymore. For so long I’ve talked about southern California. Maybe that’s where I’m supposed to be? What about Cambodia or even Singapore?

What I’m experiencing is normal. It happened when I returned from Kenya last summer. You come back to America and see the wealth, complacency, entitlement and the fast pace of life. You feel out of place and wonder if those around you realize how good they have it living here. You feel like you need to make big changes in your life. After a while you slip quietly into your old routines. You live by the clock and your calendar. Then you lose it, that feeling of grace and appreciation. Nobody wants to lose it but it happens.

Our Cambodia team leader John talked a lot about purpose leading up to the trip. He said, “Once you’ve tasted purpose it’s hard to go back to meaningless living,” or something like that. I’m experiencing that too. The past few days I’ve been fixing my laptop. It works. My phone is broken but I’ll fix it today. It seems so pointless. I love movies but I can’t justify sitting on my butt for 2 hours when I could be doing something else. Reading the news reinforces the soul-sucking purpose of the media.

Don’t mean to be a Debbie Downer. I know I’m painting with wide strokes and meandering a bit. This is where I am. I’m confused. The main thing keeping me in Atlanta is the house my brother and I have. It’s for sale. I’m not leaving until it’s sold. I want to be free and clear from any responsibilities here when/if I leave. The other things keeping me here are my friends and my extraordinary church.

I am reminded of the main point in Experiencing God, which is join God where He is already working. Is God working here in Atlanta? Absolutely. That doesn’t mean that my heart isn’t yearning for something new, for a new adventure. However, have I finished what God has planned for me in Atlanta? I don’t know. I guess no since this house is not sold.

Am I being a little hard on America? Maybe. Am I coming down from a mountain top experience? Most definitely. I’ve tasted purpose though. I worked with Cambodian orphans who taught me more about love and affection in 5 days than in my entire life. I will see them again. There is no doubt I want to return to Battambang and experience the love of Christ.